Truthfully the past 6 months have been pure hell for me as I have had to dig deep in myself and see and find my "injuries" so with God, I can begin healing. I finally feel that I am starting to heal. Heal from hurt, anger, resentment, feelings of failure and not worthy of my calling as a wife and mother. Not just a mother of four beautiful children but of one who is special needs. (Wow! It pains me at this moment in time to even write that). Why would I write about this? Because it's real. I have wanted to post for a while but the words were not right. I have had a very hardened heart and it needed to be softened.
Since we found out that there were others concerned with TJ possibly being autistic, life when into a full force storm. I feel like I have been living a life of our own Hurricane Katrina. I will never forget the moments that Ron and I have sat in silence with little to no words. Just tears, that ache in the pit of our stomach, and the pain in our chest. Autism is a very, VERY lonely thing. At the time of him being diagnosed I knew ONE person who had a clue to what we were about to be faced with. The evaluations, never ending appointments, people pointing out all the "autistic characteristics" they saw, being pressured to do this or try that. This friend has been incredible. But it was one person. I was grateful for her, but we were still SO alone. No offense to my family and friends, I know some of you read, and more importantly most of you are aware, that even you have no idea how hard it is, and has been.
I assumed that because a few people were bothered by us that maybe (please in no way think I am saying they didn't have a right to be. ~in some areas anyway~), just maybe everyone was. I have completely pulled away from all MY support. Family, friends and even church. We reached out and it wasn't received well by few, so it became easier not to put anyone out or bother anyone with our burdens, trials, and shortcomings, which we do have!
I have learned that I have a few really special friends. Some I have never met. Some who are close and say just what I need to hear. Some I don't even talk to that often but they have text, emailed, or called to check in on us. We are not alone. We need to SEE that we are not alone.
I have battled with this "burden" of autism which has consumed our every being for several years without even knowing that was there. And for the past several months as it became reality and it has been nothing less than brutal! I think there are days where I seriously was suffering depression. I felt so overwhelmed with the idea that I am a crappy parent, horrible wife, and not worthy of the blessing God placed right in front of my eyes. Questioning God everyday, "I'm not positive enough, happy enough, patient enough, discipline enough, too lazy and at times selfish.....". You name it I felt unworthy of the job I have as wife and mom. Then throw in TJ- counseling, speech, OT, school, classes and more evaluations than I can at this moment remember. How on earth could I be the mom for this special little guy who causes so much stress all day every day.
I have had a few people, names to remain anonymous for several reasons, who have helped me get past the hurt, anger and fear I have festered. They called me out recently and made it very clear that the things that are going on in my mind and relationships around us are that of Satan. Satan wants to see marriages fall apart, friendships diminish and families crumble so that brothers and sisters turn on one another. Nothing makes Satan more happy then when he gets a hold of a family. Pride gets in the way of healing more than anything else. It makes us blind to our "sickness" and "injuries". I had it too and as I slowly broke it down I became depressed about all I needed to "heal".
God has been so gracious as He has been my source of strength through finding out how I was going to deal with things that needed dealt with, taking care of the things that truly matter and not worrying about the things I have absolutely NO control over. I am in control of only myself, my actions, and my words. Today was a beautiful day for me. I am not completely "healed" from this most recent battle of "injuries", but I am so close.
Ron has been so incredible. I have NEVER seen him more on fire for God, our children and for ME, our marriage! He is a wonderful man of God who is fulfilling his calling to serve us by providing and protecting. Without the marriage we have there is NO way I could have made it through this low, the lowest time I have ever experienced in my life without his love and patience. Our marriage would have fell apart without that Christlike servant hood as husband and father, I am sure of that. God has blessed me so much and I am proud to take what He has given me and try my best daily to be who I know I can be.
This photo Kaelyn took one morning as her class had a project of watching God's creation of a sunrise. I love this picture. The glow off the clouds was beautiful. It reminds me of Gods grace. Gods healing!
Go find your injuries, make a mends, find peace, forgive, help someone in need, just simply be there.We all have trials, hurts and battles we are going through. How best then to have a team to fight with. I know all too well that fighting alone is hard.
3 comments:
Satan does love to hit families. I have been walking through some rough times with a friend as Satan hits their family. He loves to create chaos and hurts. He hopes our pride kicks in and we don't forgive and we walk away. He also loves when we feel we are alone. That no one has it as bad or is as bad as we are. But we all go through our valleys.
I don't want you to think I am diminishing yor Valley. You have gone through a very, very deep one. It has been so comforting to see your family walk through it though. So refreshing to see your family stay intact. You will have quite a testimony when you come out from this dark time. There will be sun and you will be able to help so many others. God will use you, IS using you.
I love honesty. Us Christians have to be authentic if we want to be used and help others. You have been authentic and that is a blessing to all of us.
We absolutely all have valleys and dark times. That's just it. WE ALL HAVE THEM. Can we be so selfish as to not have compassion when others are hurting. If I have learned one thing, it is to love unconditionally and to have compassion. Especially those who make us mad. Because they are hurting too, maybe even worse. But we do not know. That is why is is morei mportant to love through the thick and thin then to be prideful. Not something that is or comes easy to very many, but we ought to try.
Thanks for your loving comment. You are a beautiful friend.
I am so proud to call you friend. Thank you for sharing your life with us. I really admire your courage.
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