What's on my mind........

Do I even start with what is one my mind? Sometimes I am so grateful for this blog. I get to share fun times, pictures, thoughts, updates and things I am doing on here with friends and family to see. That is the point right, of a blog? Well, that is the point of mine, of this one. But then there are times that I have things on my mind. I hear things, see things, know things, find out things, or just have thoughts and opinions about things and I want to just unload all that hope, anger, sorrow, fear, feelings of failure, brag, on here. Some times I feel very reserved because maybe the things I want to say have something to do with someone that may possibly read this, does read this, or could read this is the future. Is this dangerous? Do I hold back? Do I just do it? Would anything I have to say actually make sense to someone I want it to? Will God put the right words in my mind to flow through the fingers to make a difference where I want it to?

Over the past ? years I have learned so much about myself. Some are great things. Some not so good. Some of those not-so-goods are seen by so many people. I can be blunt, maybe come across rude, like I don't care. Maybe selfish at times. Judgemental. Moody. Easily irritable. Tired. One thing that hurt me more than anything that I can think of is my senior yr in high school I was voted by my friends, or maybe those I thought were friends, as most cocky. WOW! Here I was a newcomer to this school. A Christian school. I had gone there less than 2 years. So am I cocky? I never in my life thought of myself as such. Maybe I was. Sometimes those things stick with you. And they hurt. Sometimes things that others do and say hurt. Sometimes things you find out about people are disappointing. Discouraging.

I also have learned in the past ? years that I cannot change the way someone feels about me, my children, my family, my friends, etc... Harder yet, I cannot change anyone else. Okay, so I know how that sounds. Let me continue....... I never in my life ever thought I could "change" someone. However I like to help others. I like to encourage, and yes, even hold others accountable. Although I have never learned how to do that. (Except I am blessed that Ron and I can do that. For that is all that matters, and for that I am grateful and blessed!!). I see someone hurting, have a problem, addiction, and I want to help. I want to be there to encourage, pray for them, get them help, make it better. I want to help the problem go away the right way. However that is not how it works.

Confused? So am I. ;) So here is the deal, I'll get to the point.....

If you have a drinking problem, if you have a drug (street or prescription) problem, if you have a problem with porn, if you are cheating on your spouse, or thinking of cheating on your spouse, if you have anger issues, GET HELP!!!!!! Go to church, smother yourself in God's Word, friends you trust, flee from the thing that is causing you pain. Communicate! Communicate with someone that you trust. A pastor, your spouse, a sibling, a friend! Communicate! YOU KNOW YOU ARE NOT HAPPY!!!! I know of people in these very spots. They may not know I know. What I know is that it is horrible that I cannot make the nasty problems go away. I want to scream at them, cry for them, empathize with them. People, myself too, (I like to eat. I am a stress eater, so I am not totally just pointing fingers at others) do not understand how their choices hurt others. There are people I look up to and care about and see they are so unhappy. They are hurting. They feel alone, unwanted. So they turn to other things.

I am not a psychologist, nor would I ever want to be one. (Sorry if you are reading this and are one). But I know that addictions hurt. They hurt those that love you and look up to you.

Adultery for one, hurts your spouse mostly, but your children, who will find out at some point in their lives no matter how much you want to forget it, and the other person's family, your grandchildren, for your nieces and nephews. All those who care about you!!!

Alcohol changes who you are, how you act, what choices you would make. If you have to drink to cope, you have a problem.

Porn is bad, bad, bad! Especially if you are married and sneaking looking at it. Or looking at it at all. It degrades your spouse. Find that need in the one you have pledged your love to.

Confused more? Sorry! It's not easy to write about touchy issues without going into all the detail I want to. I just know that I hurt for people I care about and I want them to be happy. I want the people around them to be happy. I want to be happy for them.

So if you got anything out of this besides confusion, great. I think I just needed to say whatever I thought I wanted to say. Maybe no one even reads this anymore and I won't have to worry about it. But I needed to vent, plea, or something.

Since I went off about skeletons in the closet I will add more to what I mentioned before about myself. I don't want to just point fingers here. ;) About stress eating. I find that I go to food when I am stressed. Big time at nap and bedtime because that seems to be when I am most stressed. Kids getting in and out of bed, not obeying. Need to go potty, one more drink, got this owie today, have a headache, I'm coughing ** fake cough,** I'm itchy, I didn't do my wart medicine, I didn't take my vitamin, my tummy hurts, you didn't clean my ears, will you look at my throat- it hurts, "poopie" from good ol TJ, I need my earrings in, will you pray with me one more time, I'm scared, so and so is talking, so and so keeps bothering me, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc...... I get stressed. Sometime after I had Kaelyn and was pregnant with Madelyn I started going to food when I got stressed. More recently, like a month ago, I realized and recognized that I would be stressed about nap time coming up, another trip to the school, and would stop by a fast food drive thru. Almost like it was easing the stress of the nap time battle and the drive before it even began. I am working on it and doing well. Thanks to the reality of what is in the foods I thought I liked to eat, the money BLOWN on this crap, and the fact that I am almost at my heaviest I have ever been, including being pregnant. Sad I know.

Phew!! Not sure if that felt good to write or if I am more stressed out about it. I do know that for several days I have been making way better food choices and am getting it together. Praise God I have the best, and I know I am biased but he really is the best, hubby in the whole world. He listens, loves, supports, encourages. I am blessed!!!!! He helps and doesn't hurt the situation and is so wonderful. With his support and those around me I am slowly going to get my weight to a healthy one. Is it all about numbers? NO! It's about my choices effecting my children. I fed my children this horrible food as well. I am unhealthy and overweight. How can I give all that I want and should being in this state? I can't. Dying from a heart attack or diabetes is not something that would make my kids proud if I am 50 or 100 pounds over weight. It's much different than having a heart problem when you are healthy, in shape, etc.. I have two legs, an able body, a working mind. I need to use what God blessed me with and use those gifts of a working body to get me where I want to be. Healthy, thinner, lighter, happy with how I look and feel, more energy, sleep better, and I know I would not be nearly as grumpy!!

I choose to end on a positive note and some positives about me just so we don't focus on all the negative I first touched on earlier.

So here is to better health for myself. Here is to giving up my stress and worry about those around me that I cannot help. Here is to being a better mom. I am an awesome person with a huge giving heart. I am a mom who loves her babies and husband. I can bake, budget and shop with coupons (ha, ha when I choose to). I love helping others and taking care of kids, having others kids over. I am not afraid of sleepovers. ;) I am a loving auntie who would die for any and all of them. I am a faithful wife. I am an encourager. I am a listener. (A talker too). Wait is that in the positive category? ;) I have a tender sensitive side that very few people see under this tough skin of mine. I love my family and am committed to my job as wife and mom. I am a protector of those I love (hence the first half of this whole blog). I can apologize, most of the time, when I have said or done something I shouldn't have. I am a strong person. If anyone can get healthy for a final time (No more pregnancies to put weight back on me), it is ME! I can do it.

If you actually read this whole post, thank you. And sorry! You must be a faithful reader. I think I might have one. :)

Here's to a better, more positive and exciting post next time. Love to you all and well wishes to getting rid of the things in our lives that DO NOT belong there.