Ups and Downs, I Remain Blessed!

I feel like things are so up and down lately. My emotions, my friends, my family, my kids, my patience, my thoughts, my faith, my worries, everything.

I have been battling with so many thoughts and emotions as I watch my children grow and learn the most amazing things in their private school. I have always felt like I needed to be quiet on how I feel about them being in private school because I wouldn't want to offend other believers that have their children in public. We may not always be able to send them there and many others cannot either. However, right now, I am so darn proud that my children go to a private Christian school and are learning about God's Word daily, in every subject that they study. They are learning about creation and Gods love. Faith and grace. Love and compassion from a Christian view. I just love it. I feel so blessed and could never ever say thank you enough to those who have prayed for our girls along this journey, helped us, and give to scholarship funds to make it possible for some to go. We are blessed that we are a part of such a loving and caring community of educators.

I am so grateful for my dad. I have watched over the past several months him take care of his mom whose health and memory is failing quickly. I am saddened as no one wants to watch a loved one lose their memory. I am proud of my dad who is patient, loving and taking on almost everything that needs to be done for her. Things no child should have to do for their parents, ever!!! He helps her change, getting up several hours early just to ensure they get to appointments on time, have extra time for all the mishaps that happen along the way. He is a wonderful dad and a beautiful son. And in all honesty I've started thinking now about who and how I will be taken care of when I am elderly. I can't even imagine how much it will cost if I end up in a nursing home in the future. I see the burden and stress put on the family to cover the costs that her income doesn't come close to covering. I hope that over the next ten years that I can get things put into place. Hopefully being debt free will help Ron and I prepare our children so they are not stuck with all the overwhelming things that can take place, especially paying out of their own pocket that they may not have. I am so glad that my grandma has family that loves her and visits her. It will not be long before she will not know who is who and I am blessed that for now I have that with her. And that she knows my kids still and loves to see them. Although I never felt like we connected or had a whole lot in common when I was growing up, I have never felt closer to her than I have over the past few years. Some of the in depth and personal conversations I have shared with her are SO valuable. I am blessed and will continue to appreciate the times I get with her now. So tonight I am blessed to have a wonderful grandma. (I have 2 actually and they are both the most special ever!)I am blessed to have my dad, that while I miss him and the time he had for my kids, that he can be there and take care of my grandma and be the son she raised him to be. I am blessed!

I am very thankful for my father-in-law who has been taking TJ a few Tuesdays a month. He is wonderful and took him to help give me a break. Is that nice or what? I have a whole two hours every week while TJ is at speech and now I get to look forward to a long Tuesday each month without the kids. It came at the best time ever and I am SO BLESSED to have the in-laws I do. I truly feel they are my mom and dad and this is a wonderful feeling. My children are so lucky to have 4 of the best grandparents ever!

I have been overwhelmed as you all know with this whole things with TJ and being evaluated for autism. I feel that I have had to choose to expect the diagnosis and prepare for that route but continue to pray that all of the things we see and I see looking back in his baby book are all because he is behind in speech/communication and that he is just all boy! I find that I get more irritated with people then TJ nowadays. Funny how that works. Everyone knows he is a lot of work. Anyone that is remotely close to my age, has kids his age, and spends time watching him around other kids KNOW he is "more" than anyone else. So when we said he was going to be evaluated it seemed devastating, especially as others around us felt that it all made sense. Then as time has gone by more and more people say we are going too far in our research, seeing a naturalpath, pushing for him to be evaluated at OHSU vs waiting for Willamette ESD this summer. Now all of the sudden I get more familiar with autism, the signs and now I am the "crazy one". I just want to scream. I am the one with TJ ALL day long. I KNOW what I see, hear and what I have to deal with. I know that I see and have seen a lot of warning signs. I am mad that I didn't push it earlier regarding his speech and behavior. I have always worried that there was more to him. So I choose to be careful who I can talk to about TJ, my sweet and loving child. Not everyone will and has agreed with us but I know that I am with him all the time and I KNOW what I see. Especially in the past few days working with him on things that I had suggested to do. Ha, ha! It's a hard task and I have no idea where the energy will come from trying to spend more time helping him learn and work on the behavior issues. Regardless if he is "autistic" or not. He needs a lot of work. A LOT! I know what I KNOW and because of that I choose to prepare for the worst, hope for the best, not worry about it anymore and have faith that God will provide the right people that will deal with TJ's evaluation. SO for now I will be saying you are with us. You have no choice but to support us. I am on the fence already and there is nothing more I can do until we get more opinions. Autism is actually SO controversial. I think it's only controversial for those who don't live with a difficult child day in and day out. They may research and have an opinion but they are not living with the child. I think it's sad. But I decided that I am not going to worry about what anyone thinks. I have a very trustful source, who is a fellow believer, and living with a child with autism. She has walked this journey before and will be the one I trust over family and friends that are diagnosing or dismissing TJ's issues. I have diagnosed and dismissed him myself. Thank you to those few trusting people that have listened to me, who have helped me in this time of craziness. I am blessed to have you in my life. whether you agree with anything or not thanks for being a great listening ear. ;)

I am blessed by my friends. They are the best ever. I am blessed by texts, phone calls, messages, and hugs. I love you each, and you totally know who you are!!!!!

I am blessed because of Ron, of course. That we can be rational with one another when things get rough. We can talk calmly. He is seriously the greatest ever. I am BLESSED!!! God was beyond gracious to me when he brought us together almost 12 years ago. Falling in love with him was the greatest thing in my life. Without that we would not have our children, our church, our love and our faith the way we do. It would not be the same without him. God is good!


I cannot believe that summer is fast approaching. My anxiety is staying in check and things are good. I am learning and have learned so much over the past year about people, people I am/was close to, my kids, myself, my husband and mostly about Christ. Did I mention yet, I am blessed? ;)

Here's to a great weekend and a wonderful week ahead. Love to you all and thank you to those of you who read this and pray for us, think of us, and want to keep up on us because you care. We appreciate you even though I may not know that you are reading. TJ sees his ENT the 29th and will have a hearing screen. Ron and I both will be going to the naturalpathic dr the 29th as well to see what he think and feels about autism, TJ, food/behavior, and all that natural stuff. ;)

By the way, TJ seems to like his rice milk and that is a good start. We have not noticed anything significant by removing milk. Maybe because he has still snuck in some ice cream and dairy in other ways. We are eliminating red dye and just trying to eat better all around. In the 6 weeks we have heard more words out of him, he has not had fast food since about the time. Give or take a few days. Makes me wonder if all the processed nasty crud that is in fast food has anything to do with it. Probably coincidence but you never know I guess. I'd like to think that the choice to stay away from the fast food that I sadly fed him a lot has helped. ??

I'll be back in a few days with pictures from my dear middle daughter Madelyn. The big "8" is headed her way. Officially on Sunday. Yay! What a BLESSING!