Title Less

I can't even begin to think of a title for this post. Usually something really simple comes to mind right away. All I know is I am a mother who is hurting. I know that I am not alone sitting here on the couch on 2 hours of sleep wondering "Why the hell me? Why my child? Why?" I have never felt that feeling of blaming God, ever, well that I can think of, for anything or really even feeling angry at Him. I am not really sure what I feel. I know He's here, He's probably the only thing keeping Ron and I together, barley. He is a miracle worker, a peace provider. He gives grace, forgiveness. I sit here, right now and am angry, I'm angry that God thinks that Ron and I can do this. Where on earth does he think we are equip to handle nine days of horrible recovery. Especially at night. Ron and I are so tired, frustrated, angry, lost, and feeling so alone. We have shed more tears in the past 9 days then I think we ever have in our 12 years together. Combined! We scream at one another in a release of desperation for TJ to just stop screaming, to take his medicine, drink water, eat, anything. Just to get better. We cry out of complete regret for screaming and yelling at him, at one another. I know I/we are not alone, but it really feels like it. Caring for TJ after this surgery is more than a 2 person job when he is rock bottom, which is about 20 out of the 24 hours.
I sit here not even able to read the words on the screen through the tears. I am so tired. I am run down. I feel beat down. I am tired of hurting for my child. It's just been a terrible week. Sometime I just feel so alone. Right now I feel so alone. Since TJ was born I have never had enough for him, let alone 3 older children that need mommy just as much. He is so much work and its obvious while not feeling well he's even more. More than we feel we can give. I sit here with "mothers guilt" as I think of all the times this week I have yelled at TJ, pinned him down as he is blood curdling screaming trying to "do as the nurse said", which I swear nurses and dr's have never been through anything like this. Or they'd be a little nicer on the phone.
I am mad, yet feel sorry for the nurse who was trying to nicely tell me to bribe TJ with money, or if he doesn't take meds or drink water he will get a big shot and go to the hospital. She had the nerve to continue questioning me when I told her he didn't understand any of that. He doesn't get bribing, the concept of money, his favorite toy being taken away and why. She kept saying stupid things. I finally broke down and told her in a not calm voice "There is something wrong with him. He is delayed, behind in speech. We don't know what he wants, he's almost four I know but he understands like an 18 months old. I just don't think you understand. He doesn't get any of those things." She didn't and kept pursuing her wonderful ideas. I finally just yelled out, "they want to evaluate him for autism ok! There is nothing that you are saying that will work with him. HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THAT!!!" She then felt bad and said she was really sorry and that she understood. I didn't want t use that but sometimes I feel like I need to for people to understand he just doesn't think and function the way we do. It has been so very clear this week more than ever. Maybe that is part of the exhaustion is that he is requiring so many things a certain way. It has to be that way. I see it in his eyes that he isn't doing it to be naughty or make life harder on us. He's lost, he just doesn't understand.
I am so overwhelmed. I am tired. I am lacking so much sleep. 2-4 hours a night isn't sufficient enough. For anyone. Yet here we are, somehow managing. It's just not fair. I feel like everything is falling apart around us and we have no control over any of it. Bills are coming in, unemployment isn't, ER bills, dr bills, anesthesiologists, emergency physicians place all want money, yet we have others things that have to be paid.
I miss the girls, yet when they are here it's just more work. They see the stress and they see TJ being difficult, in pain, being ultra picky about anything and everything. They are overwhelmed as well seeing and dealing with this all. Missing us because it literally takes the two of us to deal with him. When he calms down enough we don't have it in us to cook, clean, pick up. I'm feeling very done! Just finished. Like my most hated track event in high school, the 400. Crossing the finish line and collapsing because there is nothing left. I hated that race, and I'm hating this one too. I know it's temporary but it's a too long temporary.
I am not this mom. I don't have it in me. Whatever God is thinking He must surely be wrong. I cannot do this. I cannot have a child with special needs. A child with the worst recovery ever in history. I have four children. Not one. Where will I ever find enough of me for them when I don't even have enough for him. Let alone for my husband who must come even before the kids or we will fail quickly. And of course myself. Seems selfish to even include myself.

I am pleading for prayer for us right now. First for TJ to just get better, and for the nights to not be so rough. For Ron and I that we will speak slowly and continue to forgive quickly and to love unconditionally. For the girls that they will know and feel our love for them, for understanding that we are not angry with them and that they will understand these things when we tell them. It's not them, it's just the situation which is a lot for mommy and daddy. For compassion from those closest to us, we are hurting but find it too hard to ask for help. Since some of the times when we do it seems to be not welcomed very easily or bad timing and they can't. Makes you not want to ask. For rest! We need rest. Tag teaming naps is hard with Tj crying a lot and always wanting to go from one of us to the other.

I don't want to leave before saying thank you to two friends who brought us movies for TJ. To my mom and dad who have taken the girls for several nights, my sister a night, and Ron's mom for a night. This in itself has been incredibly helpful. Probably more for them. So we have had some help and I appreciate it. Thanks you!! If you actually endured this whole post, thanks! Or sorry! It's not about how many, if any readers but that this is one place I can let it all out. I am an open book, raw, ME! I know for some its crazy to lay it out, but for me writing always makes me feel better. See, tears are gone, eyes are still puffy. And I feel ready to go back to bed. For awhile anyway. Love to those who love us. Thank you!!