Losin It...

Did anyone happen to see Losin It with Jillan? I think I cried for about 20 minutes straight when the mom talked about losing her baby son at 1 month and a day. How horrific! The comment Jillian made about about people having life changing events happen in their life that they are just not equipped to handle, was really eye opening. I know that its easy for a lot of people, even me at times, tend to think as the classic Christian and say God is in control and he won't give you more than you can handle. Among MANY other things. The fact here is that we all have "Stuff" in our closets that maybe no one knows, or we don't think anyone knows. Things that are shameful. Things that make us turn to, in their case, FOOD. Some people turn on their computer and look at things that are not okay, others abuse prescription drugs, alcohol, street drugs, some even OTC meds, or others they head to the local bar to gamble. There are so many thing that we, MOST OF US, do to take the edge off stress. The classic answer is to "give it to God, pray, don't worry." I believe ALL of those things. However the reality is when bad things happen, unfair things come our way or flat out completely horrific things happen we have emotions. We are not all equipped to handle the things that happen in our lives.

I have been going to really great group on recovery. There are very few people, if any that would not need to go for one reason or another. I love food and have chosen to misuse it therefor I am over weight. I am unhealthy. With one thing I am learning in going, listening to testimonies and hearing Gods word, and looking deep into myself is that I have had things happen that I look back on, or am going through now and wonder why on earth God would bring me to "this". I am not equipped to handle some of things I have in my 33 yrs. However they are not nearly as rough as many people have been through but it's real for me. When we have problems we search for a way to fix it, make it go away. Sometimes there is no fix and we must adapt to whatever the situation is.

I have several things going on. Some I cannot fix no matter what I say or do. And clearly some of them are things I need to pass off. I will never fix anything or anyone. Duh! I know that, but I am a fixer, problem solver. I am the one during the movie processing all that is going on and am trying to figure out where it's going and what is going to happen, or who did it. I have a knack for figuring it out and calling it. (I keep it to myself or I'd be watching movies by myself). I do this same thing in my life. Although it is not a good thing. There are things and situation that I will never change. People who will never change. Certain relationships that will always be the way they are. You know those unspoken feelings that you know are there but avoid. The closer I get to figuring it out the easier it is for me to adjust, think a bit differently and accept where and what it is.
I worry very genuinely about others. recently I am learning that I just can't worry about others. Especially as grown adults. We can all make our own decisions and that is that. It's hard when you see someone falling. You want to pick them up, wipe them off and tell them how to fix what they are doing wrong. Most of the time it's easy to do when looking at others. But taking the time to look at your life and see what needs fixed that is broken, mend what is torn, and heal what is unhealthy. I am doing just that. I am trying to look at the things I have encountered in my life, the things I have been through, things I had no control over and things I did that impacted me in one way or another.

SO here I am on the first part of letting a lot of garbage go that I have no reason to hang on to and focusing on what I can and need to do for me. To be healthier, a good example for children, a faithful and committed wife to the love of my life, and a true good hearted servant for Christ. First on my list is making exercise a priority. Ron and I have been working out for 9 days now. I am down 7 pounds. I am on NO diet plan other than the very obvious only way to lose weight and keep it off is to eat healthier, and for me eat WAY LESS! I document the foods I eat. Amazing how much I was eating. Amazing what I was eating. I know that eating better/less and exercising is helping with my stress and anxiety. I am sleeping better at night. Most of all I am taking care of me. Not worrying about anyone else but me. I am focused on being a grateful wife and a patient mother.
This isn't without saying there will not be hard days and that I am a changed woman and have anything figured out. I don't. I just know that there are reasons I turn/ed to food. Stress. There are reasons I am stressed. When we have an addiction, or thing we turn to when we are stressed, angry, hurt, overwhelmed, we need to dig deep into why we are making those choices. It isn't just because I choose to do it. I do, but there is more to it. The longer it goes on the harder it is to stop and change. So here is to 3 and a half straight years, well 10 since I had my first baby, of being heavy. GOOD BYE fat. Good bye sore knee, and anxiety. Goodbye to eating 2nds and 3rds. (That's embarrassing to write). Good bye to not being able to play basketball with my kids, run round and play. Dread going swimming due to complete embarrassment on how I look. And the largest wake up call, here's to being able to chase TJ when he runs off, into the street or away from me. His safety is important. For this I will get to a place where I can keep up and enjoy my kids in the physical, sports and recreation area.

I am very grateful to God for bringing some really special friends into my life that I can talk to and share the deepest of things with. I am so happy that I have a family that believes in God, in-laws who truly are amazing, despite any issues we may have had in the past, and for the best of all that I have a relationship with Christ.