Encouraged

I must admit that the past 24 hours have been hard for me. It's coming up on that good ol "emotional time" anyway, but I am battling some anxiety. You know that nervous worried feeling with that sick heavy feeling in the pit of your stomach. I think I feel so sick at moments I am actually trying to decide if I am going to throw up. I know that the first few days since TJ was diagnosed I felt such a sense of relief. We knew. We know. Now I think the realities are setting in. I do it too but the way I see people watching TJ. As if finally seeing, or admitting to themselves what I was trying to say all along. The repetitive movements, running off, not responding when called or talked to, lack of having any sort of "conversation" with him, and not to mention the behavior. It kinda sucks to know that they are trying to process stuff too. They are now looking at him like I did the first week after having autism brought to my attention. I am SO INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL though, for the people in our lives and I know we all process things differently. Even family, extended family and friends that I was wondering if they even cared have shown they do. I think many people are not sure what to say. Others don't want to bother us with questions, or "I'm sorry."
I have read enough of the packets they sent home with me to get that others are processing, grieving, worrying, relieved and feeling blessed just as we are. I also know that sometimes though with autism it scares people away that are uninformed. I think that I get a little anxious wondering if any of my friends or family would walk in another direction because of autism. I truly don't believe so.
My sister has been my greatest source of strength these past few days. (Ron has too, He is a given!). ;) She has been all ears. Smiling with me, laughing with me, tearing up with me. She grieves the scary things with me while feeling blessed about Tj's strengths with me. Here she is at the tail end of her pregnancy, literally 9 days left and she is being there for me as I sift through a wave of emotions. I appreciate her. I am glad we have had moments together to talk about things.
I have received that most amazing encouraging messages and emails. You have no idea how special and uplifting that is until you are in a place of joy yet hurting at the same time. Thank you to those of you who have sent an encouraging note my way. It helps. It REALLY does.
I had a dinner date with one of my dearest friends, I have even had a few people contact me about books they have picked up for me or have to give me. How awesome is that? I am blessed. I know that people care and it shows. One of the first paragraphs in Louder Than Words by Jenny McCarthy was "When your child is diagnosed with cancer, neighbors stop by your home bringing precooked meals, hugs and support. When your child is diagnosed with autism, families who see you in the supermarket will slip away down another isle." (pg ix, just to give the book credit and not to plagiarize). I got a little nervous that this might be true, but it isn't. It have been the opposite. The great thing is we have Christ on our side, a strong family unit on both Ron and my side, I have people close to me who have walked in the shoes and where we are now, and we have amazing friends, who ask questions, get to know the situation and end with " we will be praying for you guys!" There are people I have not seen in YEARS, like 15 years, who are messaging me on FB and are praying for us. Now that is faith in action. If there is one thing that binds us together it is our faith! They may not know the relief, fear, sadness, stress, anxiety, panic, etc.. that we are feeling and going through but they know and believe in Christ. We have that together. With that one strength it doesn't matter if someone knows how we feel or exactly what we are going though. We have that!!! Some moments that is all I have to hold onto.
I know God made TJ perfectly as He saw fit. I will never argue or question God. He has big things that will come. I can feel it. I have total faith that God will heal TJ as He sees fit. He will be exactly who God wants him to be. He has a special place for TJ on this earth and he blessed us with him. When the going gets tough, I have, do and probably will, ask why. But only because I am human. And it's ok for me to be scared. However, I will not lose sight on constantly seeking the good things that are happening.
Watching TJ tonight I am blessed that he wants his uncle Eric to read him the same book over and over again, that he wasn't afraid to go to his Uncle Skip when he wanted something. To seek out his aunties when he was upset. He is communicating. This is huge and I will take it. It made me happy to see these things tonight as these are big time strengths and things that a lot, if not most, children with autism have a lot of trouble doing. He doesn't so much with children but he does with adults.
We are blessed! Thank you for those of you who are and have reached out!