Humbled

I knew at some point I would drop the ball and post on this. This week has been close to, if not, the worst week(10 days) ever. So many things have happened, been said, been thought, and done. Those things whether good or bad, positive or negative, right or wrong cannot ever be taken back. EVER! Our week has had it's valley's of lows that we didn't think could get lower, but they did. It was so hard to be humbled when I wanted so much to speak harshly. I so much wanted to point out others flaws after they pointed out mine. We needed, in a time of stress, patience and compassion and received talk behind the back and not very kind comments. So to explain a few things.....
I know things have been rough and I am more likely to be a "my glass is half empty" type of person (trying to work on this). I get now that it isn't always the best way to go when being around others. If I'm negative or looking for the possibilities of negatives then people will get tired of me. They might anyway but why would I want to give them more reason. SO with that said I was extremely humbled this week when I was told I need to be more positive, happy!
The past several years have not been that great for me. I love my husband and my children, I have a wonderful family and in-laws close by. We have friends, Ron and I and even the kids have THE BEST friends anyone could ask for. I am blessed and always have known that. Even though these things are true and I am grateful each and every day that God has blessed me this way, I have not been that happy. I know it. But I was called out his week regarding my negativity. (This was after a slew of other "stuff" that will most likely not be blogged about anytime soon). We were damaged already so to read, and hear this was tough but I knew it was true. I had been unhappy and although I had reasons I kept them totally to myself.
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All we wanted was a boy to add to our family after having 3 amazing little girls. We got our little boy almost 4 years ago after an adoption fell through. I was saddened but never that "Bummed" about it because I knew I could have another child if we wanted. So we did. We got pregnant with TJ weeks after knowing we would not be adopting. It was so bittersweet to be having a boy and that he would be biological. We were excited. He was born and things were beautiful. Everyone was so excited as he was the 4th, at the time, on one side of the family and the 1st boy on mine.
Right from the beginning TJ's story has been a long one and a short one. He didn't nurse well, I was tired, drained and after 8 weeks finally broke the post partum blues I was having. He finally started nursing well but was a fussy boy. He was a lot of work but seemed pretty normal. I am sure I complained a lot. I really don't remember.
Once he hit one and his words were not coming, or they were coming then after just days, leaving, I started to wonder what was going on. He cried and whined ALL, let me repeat that ALLLLLLLLLL the time. He wouldn't ever point and even try to say things for the first 2 years. Each dr visit was followed with "he's all boy, boys are just that way, it'll come etc................."Truthfully from 1-3 it was the same day in and day out. He cried and whined and made mess after mess and always had ear infections. He ran off, outside, down the street and into others backyards faster than I saw where he went. I barely got anything done and I was literally losing my sanity. Well maybe that's an exaggeration but I was very close. I complained not realizing that I was really needing help. I did get it, don't get me wrong. I had a lot of help!! I at times didn't appreciate it like I should have, but really I just wanted out. It was said that I had help right in front of me and it was "never enough". Harsh words. But maybe it's true, or that I felt that. It wasn't enough. I can say that now because we are past that, or passing it. But it wasn't enough. Do I even try to explain? It was enough but not for where I was at. I HATE asking for help. I hoped that griping and complaining that maybe someone would see the distress and come rescue me. I wanted a way to not deal with chasing and dealing with TJ. I was tired, stressed out and lacking the patience we now know TJ needed. I never felt I was "depressed" and even saw the dr. I was having more panic attack issues. It always hit in the spring and lasted through summer.

Once TJ hit 3 things started getting better. He started using real words like "fire, more, all done, help," and a few others. (only a few but it was something). He started pointing and showing us what he wanted. He was playing in the toilet and sinks less, wasn't throwing things down the vents as much but he was still SO much work. I started noticing others passing him up, or him just not maturing. Hard to see especially with so many family and friends seeing it too. We rarely spoke of the concerns we had. There were times I would mention things, they were always blown off, so when or if anyone else did I honestly would get a little mad because no one cared when I "wondered". Lame I know but sometimes that is how I work. I was angry at everyone else who got a good nights sleep, and had "well behaved" little kids. I was mad at the world and selfishly felt no one could ever know what I was dealing with. Nights were always hard and still are. And at times I even asked God to give people as rough of nights as me just so they knew. I guess it's true that for a time period I wanted people to "feel sorry for me." Everyone has problems I get that, but now I look at Tj's diagnosis and want to say BACK OFF! Some of you can fix yours. We can't.

I'll say that these days are coming to an end as we finally have confirmed that TJ has autism and he is just TJ. He is behind and has a few different things he does but he is loving and fun and that's all there is to it. We in just a days time were able to lower our standards of him by a few yrs and guess what? We were enjoying him. We just know that we still have to run after him and that it's a lot of work. Like a 2 year old is. Our thinking changed and that has changed everything with us. We are happier. We are happier parenting him. We love him. Okay, I guess what I am saying is that I immediately started "liking" him. I felt I could understand all that was going on. Water is and will be an issue for some time and I now know through ASD that it's a sensory thing, not a I'm trying to make you crazy thing. Water feels good for him and brings comfort. I can redirect him but not feel so inconvenienced by him. It's weird how in just a days time from Dr's telling us what we needed to hear and why he works the way he does it changed us. I felt better. Not to say I was not sad, overwhelmed and all those other feelings. Fear being a big one. The emotions come and go and we try not to look at what the future will bring.

So yes, for the past several years I have not been the most pleasant to be around. But I know that I need to put trust and faith into others. I need to change (which happened quickly) my thinking with TJ. I need to know that I have what it takes and I can have 4 children, give them all they need. I am a great mom. I give them everything I have during the week and they have both parents on the weekends. I can do this. I know that God blessed me with a child like TJ and what an honor to think God knows I can handle it. AS LONG AS I CHOOSE TO. I made that choice the evening we were told he was on the spectrum. I made that choice to "like" him, learn all there is about his situation, to love and give the girls even more of me. It was a great night.

SO, back to the point of my post. I am humbled. I heard some really hard things this week. Some said out of love, some said out of stress. I choose from now on to believe the best in others because I want people to do that for me. There were issues we thought we were facing at the beginning of the week that have proved to be a joke compared to what issues I was facing by the end of the week. We have shed more tears in 4 days than in years put together. I was humbled. But I believe that all things happen for a reason.
I see now, and this is how I choose to see it, that God has brought TJ in this world to bring healing! I was unhappy, I am happier now. I am relieved with knowing and understanding him and that makes me happy. Because of the way everything has happened and lined up, the things that were said will eventually bring almost complete healing in places I lost hope on a long time ago. In a nutshell I believe that autism is bringing healing. Healing to me and healing with relationships.
The pain of hearing what the dr said June 13th and the fears we have and have had are and will remain deep in our heart. I am sure Ron and I haven't even shared with one another many of those thoughts. But the pain and fears will ease over time. So will the things from this week.
Being humbled is a very hard thing sometime. But when you are in the deepest valley, God is there. I have felt him more in the past 10 days than ever before. Through my children, through my husband and in my times alone with Him.

And from the bottom of my heart thank you to each and every person in TJ's life. For loving him so much and enjoying him when I didn't. For giving him a chance and for being patient. Thank you for helping us with him. From keeping him overnight, babysitting so I could help at the girls school, take kids to appts, or so that I could go out with Ron. For helping keep an eye on him when we are together to help keep him safe. For opening your homes to us knowing that he will have it thrashed in an hours time. And for putting those crazy noisy toys away before we came over to play. ;)
Thank you to each and every person that is in contact with TJ. You have been good to him. And good to us. We do appreciate it. ALL OF IT!!

James 4:6