Defend and Resist

It's my favorite Shaklee product.

And I am doing just that. Defending and Resisting!

I have to say that as much stress, heartache and soul searching this summer brought us and as much happiness as it brings me to close the summer and begin school, I have learned so much. I have learned that I can be still. That I have an amazing husband. That I have children who love me and I KNOW that I am doing a good job with them. I have wonderful parents who still play that all important role of mom and dad. I have a strong sister who is always there for me. I have wonderful children in my life who enjoy me. I have friends that continue to amaze me with their advice and kind words of encouragement and listening ears. And for a spectacular brother and sister in law who no matter what listens to me and gives me the words I need to hear whether I want to hear them or not. She has been one of my strengths through all we have gone through.

I have connected with wonderful mothers of autistic children who no matter what KNOW and UNDERSTAND to a "T" what I am going through and what I have been through and tell me what to expect. The good, the bad and the ugly. Autism is a part of our life. It will remain a part of this blog. I contemplated not writing about it anymore, our struggles, successes etc.. but know that I am not staying true to myself and what I wanted to do and say when all this with TJ began. I am over what people will think and say behind our backs. Nothing is worse than people attacking your parenting and I survived that and will continue to survive it.

With that said this post is not about what we have been doing, how the summer went or the first week of school. It's about my heart and hurt and getting over it.

When you have a hard few years with a child that has ASD but didn't know it, find out that is why he is partially the way he is you are overcome with so much guilt. I read it once as "mother guilt". I even have blogged about it before. I have it. BAD! But I am getting over it. Raising a child on the spectrum is different than growing up "knowing" people with special needs. Having YOUR CHILD diagnosed hurts worse than anyone else having ASD. I'm not looking at my niece or nephew, a friends child, my relative with it or even a stranger in passing. It's my son. My son has a special need and I am scared. I'm hurt and angry. I am processing those feelings so if I don't seem myself, I cry a lot, I am angry or irritated try to give me a little break. We are the ones who wake up through the night dealing with crying, nose bleeds and wake up in the morning not sure we are ready to face whatever outbursts, hitting, biting, running off and messes we know are around the corner.

I will publicly on my blog DEFEND myself and my parenting. I will defend my marriage. I will defend my family! We are not perfect and never will be. I have never claimed to be. There is a lot of hurt in our home. There are a lot of questions being asked by our children regarding things they have heard regarding things from family issues, adult issues, their brother, friends, and even Biblical issues they learned about from VBS at a local church (The 10 Commandments). For my older one we have spoken about addictions, adultery, idolatry, and to all of them about wanting what others have and loving God and obeying your parents. WE choose to be honest with our children for their age, meaning age appropriate. We hurt, we are confused and we have a lot going on just with tj and they see/feel it too. Our children KNOW that we love them, appreciate them and are here for them. We have heart to hearts on a regular basis and the things that the girls share with me (and sometimes dad) are incredible. That they trust me enough to tell me things that I know a lot of other children wouldn't tell their parents. We get to talk about those things. They are not afraid to open up and talk to us. We read together, with them and to them. We have movie nights/days. We spend time camping, making things, swimming in the back yard. We talk with our children daily about what is expected of them and what God's word says about it and the choices they are making. We pray with our children and we put our family first ALWAYS. We do not abuse our children physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. We take time out for them. We are always together. We apologize to our children when we need to, when we have handled something the wrong way, yelled at them or didn't take the time to hear them out. Ron and I do not abuse our hobbies of reading, blogging, hunting, softball, etc... They do not get in the way with our parenting. We chose wisely when we want to do those things. We do not have addictions to drugs, alcohol, pornography, money, gambling, or anything else that will hinder our parenting or make our children question us in the future. We love our children and although we are far, very far from perfect, far from where we want to be in our own walks they know, feel, and see our love and committment to them. We may not be perfectly consistent, what parent is? I don't know one. (Okay so my best friend Trish is pretty consistent. That is something I've always wished I was better at. She does it very well!!!). ;)

Marriage. I have blogged enough about this so I will not say too much. I have a strong solid marriage. Ron and I communicate awesome and will defend and stick up for one another. We will also be the first to point out when the other is out of line, not handling something right. SO really, it isn't anyone's business if we are happy or not. We are FAITHFUL to one another, love one another and live for one another. We are on fire for Christ together. GOD is our foundation and the center of our discussions. We are not perfect and know that we may be faced with tough times ahead but if we keep going with God like this, God will get us though anything.

So with this I choose to DEFEND my family and RESIST all things that will hinder it!

I have been reading the most amazing book and anyone who really has a heart for learning about autism, whether for us or for someone you know, or for your own child, consider picking up her book "Autism's Hidden Blessing, discovering God's promises for autistic children and their families" by Kelly Langston. She has been my strength through this book, and through communication with her on face book and emails. She has no idea the impact she has made on me. Autism will not hinder my family, my son.

Defend your family, your God, and what you are doing as a parent. No one has the right to judge you and what you are doing for your marriage and for your children. Resist the temptation to retaliate with hurtful words to them even if they are true.

I know I need to get to a point to show compassion and forgiveness to those who hurt me. I am learning that it is ok to walk away, not have the last word, and to stay away. If it is healthier and better for me, our marriage and our children, it's ok to stay away.

Psalm 34:17-19