Wonders of His Great Love

Well in the past two weeks I have wanted to write SO much. So here is a run down.
Tooth extractions are terrible. I was a wimp. It hurt and the recovery was awful the first week. I will seriously be writing a Tooth Extraction 101 for Dummies someday with the actual truth to what to expect. Without a pictorial because that would be crossing the line of grossness. :) However, I am two and a half weeks in and can eat whatever I want and now can take care of that fancy hole in the back of my mouth with ease. I still can't really chew on that side. Think my jaw is still a little kinked.

Maddy and Brooke are over half way through basketball. We have had SO much fun watching them play, learn the game and really become more aggressive. I am not sure why but they are so timid the first half of the season. But always blow us away the second half. Cheering for them, with minimal embarrassment I am sure, has been fun and exciting.

The girls all had AWESOME report cards. It was 100% complete reassurance that we did the right thing with their schooling. We didn't have time to "wait it out a year" or "just give it more time" or "see if it gets better". We are so incredibly pleased with their teachers, the curriculum's, educations and their opportunities. We are in the process of sending in Maddy's app for SA next week to get her registered for next year.

TJ has been doing good until this week. We have seen some regressions, stemming, and behaviors. One theory is he may have hit a growth spurt and his meds may need to be adjusted. UGH! I hate them. We have had no regrets on using it, then talk of upping it just puts us back to that low feeling and wishing we didn't have him on it. We do not know for sure.  His teacher is so nice, knowledgeable and has a lot of experience. I know that when she calls that I will have to hold it together for a god 30 minutes.
We hear daily, weekly, from family, friends, etc... that Tj is "doing so well, not as bad as other kids with autism, seems pretty normal, improved so much" and on and on. All these things are SO VERY true. He is at this point "high functioning". Then his teacher calls. It was overwhelming, again. Its hard when you hear everyone around us telling us how lucky we are that TJ isn't "that bad" yet the reality of how he is doing in school isn't so great. He is struggling. There are kids with "worse autism" (not sure how else to label it) are doing better than TJ. He has had more of a "lost look" and extremely repetitive, not responding as much as he was, and has shown some more aggression when he doesn't get his way. We have noticed this as well, but also know that with little kiddos like him it is an up and down battle. The talk of what to expect for him next year in preschool (due to his bday) as he prepares for kinder the following year was too much. He will be 5 in Sept and still in preschool. So he will turn 6 right after he starts kinder. The reality at this point of him being in a typical classroom with 2 teachers and 25-30 kids never work for TJ.
If you are up to it, keep us in your prayers. We stay pretty level headed then the reality hits of how hard this is for him and then the low comes. It only lasts for a day or so but I have a really hard time. I cry. All day. I watch my little guy and my heart aches. I can physically feel the ache in my chest. Today, I ran for the comfort of my Bible. That helped.

I also made it to church. I have truthfully only been one other time since before Thanksgiving. Yeah, I'm not bragging here, trust me. I can't go into all the details on why we have had a hard time going. It wouldn't be right, or fair. But I have pleaded with God to help show me why I am there. Why we belong there at our church. I love the people. I love the pastor. The kids love going. Maybe it's hard to go because the sermons the past few times I have gone, I swear the pastor has stalked me and has written them just for me. For my aching, bitter, angry, hurting soul.
For the 9 months I have been tested beyond all test thus far in my life. With many areas. I never felt far from God, or like he wasn't there. But it seemed as though something was missing in my relationship. I felt as though I was pouring out my heart and soul, with no response. In any of the areas. Then it hit me. He didn't need to respond. He has been carrying me, holding me, loving me. Not saying a word. Letting me grieve, figure it out, dig deeper than I ever have. He was there the whole time just being that best friend. He wasn't trying to fix me, stick it to me, or show me all my inadequacies. He just loved and cared for me. He listened to all my worries, fears, happy moments, praises, etc.. He was just there. He is the perfect friend! And he is my perfect friend. How blessed am I?
Now we are working together on some other areas that I have battled. And thanks to church and the sermon on Sunday I got a nice ole piece of humble pie. We talked about righteousness. And self righteousness. It was a sermon I needed to hear. We had communion. How we did communion Sunday was clearly set up by God as to touch me in my life, in that moment. The details are so special that they will remain private, but to be reminded of God's love for ME to hear the words was just what I needed. He loves me. No matter what, He loves me. For who I am. All of me. He has shown me the wonders of His great love time and time again.
In a world full of criticism, attacking, gossip, tearing others down, addictions, fear, houses divided, this was just what I needed. I walked away from church feeling that whole humble pie I had stuck in my throat, wondering what made me think I wasn't right for my church or that my church wasn't right for me. Our love for our church is bigger than the things we were letting keep us away. There are relationships with some really wonderful people I could have, if I would just let them in, or maybe make more of an effort.

So these past few weeks many things have happened. God is opening my eyes, and my heart. Ron and I are stronger than ever, together, and that is so great. In a world where marriages are being tested, disrespected, dishonest, addictions, and unfaithfulness are hidden secrets, that God has blessed Ron and I with 11 wonderful years.  And I have four beautiful children that are good kids, who are growing up to love Jesus.  I love my kids and they are a complete blessing in our lives.

Deut 4:9  "..do not forget what your eyes have seen or let them slip

from your heart as long as you shall live".